Neville Longbottom and the Dangers of Spirits
by joshlamont
Summary: Ah, Winter! The time of year when boys go out to play with the snow, girls go out to play with the boys, and ghosts go out to- well, cry.


Good gravy, this was hard to work! And you'd think it was because book three doesn't have Voldemort, but nooooo...

Er, please forgive any mistakes. As always, I own neither Phineas nor Ferb nor Harry Potter!

* * *

"Y'know, Ron, despite all of these set-backs, I think the year's looking pretty good," Harry said, lying on his back in the snow. Or rather, on the snow. Ron was busy below him, carving reliefs into the side of the tightly-packed snow table.

"How d'ya figure?" Ron grunted, gently blowing the free ice flakes away.

"Well, thanks to Sirius Black and Dementors- remind me write that down for a future band name- I got a live map of the school! Sure, someone's trying to kill me this year, too, but who hasn't?"

Ron paused. "Fair point."

"Hullo, boys!" Hermione said, walking off the main path. "Wotcha do-in'?"

"Contemplating the serenity of the world in perihelion," Harry said, closing his eyes.

Hermione momentarily zoned out at Harry's command of language, and science, and philosophy, and…

"Hermione?"

Hermione blinked. "Oh! Sorry, Jane."

Harry lifted his head. "Jane?"

"Oh, right!" Hermione exclaimed, turning. "Harry, these are the girls in my Forest Venture troop, Jane, Libby, Lucy, Evie, Millie, Mary, and Georgiana."

"I blame Jane," Georgiana said glibly.

"Hey!"

"Austin," she finished.

"Well, alright then," Jane nodded.

"Girls, this is Harry," Hermione said grandly.

"Hi, Harry!"

"Hullo, girls," Harry said, sitting upright on the table. "Not that it's not lovely to see you all, but what's the occasion?"

"We're getting our Psychology of Magical Societies Patch!" Evie said brightly. "We've already crossed off the White Council, the Watchers Council, the various Magical Associations in Asia, and the TSAB, and now we're finishing off with the Wizarding World!"

"I still say we should've included the Illuminati," Lucy grumbled.

"Hush, that's the Infiltrating Secret Societies Patch!" Mary chided. "And no, Millie, we can't go see Narnia, either, it's an Alternate World and those go on a completely separate sash."

"What's this nonsense about Narnia?" Draco asked, walking up. "And who are these people? Ugh, they look like they dressed like muggles!"

"That's because we _are_ muggles, duh!" Lucy said derisively.

"Wha- how did you get into the Hogwarts? How can you even _see_ the Hogwarts?"

"Oh, Draco…" Hermione shook her head sympathetically, "First Sight is basic Venture Girls lore. Even little Venturettes know how to do it!"

"Which is bloody annoying, let me tell you," Lucy muttered. "Can't hide anything from the little buggers once they earn their first cookie."

"So, you really are muggles?" A smile began twitching over Draco's face. "This- this is fantastic! When I tell Dumbledore, he'll have to throw you all out for bringing muggles into Hogwarts! You'll all be expelled! Take that, Potter!" He ran off before anyone could respond.

"…huh," Harry said. "Did anybody else understand what he was talking about?"

The girls shrugged.

"Eh, count him as an outlier." Harry brushed himself off. "So, Wizarding Society, huh? I guess they've already seen Hogwarts?"

"All thirty-two levels, including the hidden swimming pool," Hermione replied promptly. "Though I do have to wonder about that one. One-way glass? What were they thinking?"

"Who knows," Harry shrugged. "Hey, where's Neville?"

-_doobydoobydoowadoobydoobydod oobydoobydoowaNeVille!_-

Neville hesitantly stuck out his hand and tickled the pear on a painting of fruit near the kitchen. It giggled before eating him and jumping to another portrait. Forty-two frames later, it spat Neville out in a chair somewhere in the dungeons, which instantly latched onto his wrists and ankles.

"**Ah, good morning, Agent N!" **said Upton Uncial,** "Er, sorry about the chains. This was the only chair we could find on short notice and… well, let's just say, those Slytherins know how to keep life interesting." **The troll pulled down a map.** "As you can see, our agents tracked Voldemort down to a little-known town in Italy called Pescosa- Pescoscano- Pecscosanana- Hedwig, how do you say this word?**"

"**Hoot!**"

"**What? That doesn't sound right.**"

"**Hoot-hoot! Hoot!**"

"**Shush your mouth you unprocessed feather duster, I took three months of Italian, I think I know when a word sounds wrong!**"

"_**Hoot**_**, hoot.**"

"**What the- **_**ten years?**_** Now you're just making things up. Okay, some place called Pecos Nachos Vecchio. According to our man on site, he bought a restaurant. Doubtless he plans to **_**ruin**_** twenty centuries of pasta craftsmanship with some nefarious scheme. Go hunt him down and stop it!**"

Neville glared at the screen.

"**…oh, yeah, the chains. Er, Hedwig? Do you remember the release password?**"

"**Hoot!**"

"**Gosh darn it, I haven't learned that much yet! Answer me in English, you stuffed poultry!**"

_-A!Gent!Ennnnnnnn!-_

"So what we really need, is some way to get past the dementors so you can explore Hogsmeade. Hm." Harry snapped his fingers. "Ron! I know what we're gonna do today!"

"About time," Ron said, brushing the last bits of snow off his recreation of Michelangelo's _Moses._ "I was starting to get bored."

"Okay, it says here that the Patronus has to be fueled by happy thoughts," Harry said an hour later, reading through a thick book from the library.

"Any happy little thought?" the girls all chorused.

"Like toys at Christmas?" Evie asked.

"Sleigh bells, snow?" Millie continued innocently.

"Licking chocolate off of…" Hermione's eyes widened. "Spoons! Mixing spoons!"

"Well, I think it has to be a bit happier than licking chocolate-" Harry blinked as a scintillatingly brilliant otter coalesced in front of Hermione. "Well, okay then. Never underestimate the power of chocolate. _Patronus!_" Harry's stag cantered out. "Punching Hitler in the face, works every time."

Ron's terrier came barking up. "Dinner," he simply said.

"Alright, so, have we got the hyper empathetic acceleration retainment tanks ready?" Harry asked.

"Ready and prepped!" Ron saluted.

"Excellent!" Harry rubbed his hands. "Let's get our patronii inside then!" With a swish of his wand, he sent his patronus into what looked like some sort of high-tech rocket pack/scuba tank love child. "Steady as she goes… steady… okay, _now!_"

Ron's wand cut down and sharply to the side, sealing the tank with a great flash. The tanks glowed for a moment before settling down.

"Excellent!" Harry repeated. "Alright then, just let me hook up the wave articulation neural directors and… viola! Three patronus packs ready for service! Girls, if one of you could give them a test?"

"Oo, oo, me, me!" Evie exclaimed excitedly. She dance over to the patronus packs and strapped one on. "So I just take this cord and point the stick at the end-"

"That's the director," Harry supplied helpfully.

"Whatever," Evie said, pointing the director out a window. "I point this stick at a dementor and-"

The dementor outside _shrieked_ as it found itself trapped in a field of pure happiness.

"Wicked!" Evie breathed.

-_Voldemort'sI-talianRest-au-rant!_-

Voldemort stuck his head through the door. "What? Oh, it's you," he muttered. "Hello, Neville the New Guy. I'd get the door, but, y'know. Still dead."

Neville opened the door and walked inside.

"Actually, I was just going over some dark and evil rituals to bring me back, but it's been slow going," Voldemort said, floating alongside Neville. "It turns out, that whole poltergeist thing? Really only works for poltergeists! No ghostly powers whatsoever. I can't even possess anyone for pizza. Which, lemme tell you, no pizza? In Italy? Man, the smells are driving me crazy! And I didn't even know ghosts could smell! I think I'm gonna have to possess some sort of animal to steal a piece. Maybe a lynx or something. I'm telling you, being stuck as ghost is a serious pain. It's taking me like, a day or something just to turn one page! A whole day! Do you know how many pages are in the Infinite Book of Obscene Rites? _Neither do I!_"

Voldemort stopped at a door. "A-anyway , Neville the New Guy, I'm pretty busy right now, so could we do this some other time? I mean, it's not like you can hit me or anything right now, for Merlin's sake, I'm a ghost! And could you maybe buy me some pizza on the way out? Thanks, you're such a-"

"He-lloooo? Anybody in there?"

Voldemort's ghost turned white. "No, it can't be!"

"Hello?"

"It _is!_" He turned frantically. "Quick, help me find a place to hide! Do you have a teakettle, o-or a child's doll? Oh, Merlin, why didn't I buy a TV or something?"

Neville gave him an odd look.

"Wait, _you?_ Oh, thank wizard God, _thank_ you, Neville the New Guy!"

Within a blink, Voldemort jumped into Neville.

"Tommy, stop playing hard to get!" A head popped into the room. "A-_ha!_ Found y- oh, it's just some new guy. Have you seen my Tommy anywhere?"

_It's my ex!_ Voldemort whispered. _Tell her no! Say I'm on vacation or something. …well? Why are you just standing there, hurry up! Oh, wizard God, she's starting to get suspicious!_

"A-ah, nooo, I haven't seen _any_one around here." Neville's mouth suddenly spoke. "Whyyyy would you ever think there possibly might have been? A person. Here. Other than me." Neville scowled internally. _You weren't doing any talking, I had to do something!_

The ghost slowly drifted into the room, pouting. "Well, I thought he up and died years and years ago, but then one day just recently I was floating down to the bathroom for my morning cry and he flew right past me! I was so shocked I just about lived! He must have been terribly busy to never come by and visit, so I decided to I'd go find him and save him the trouble!"

_She's crazy. Cra-zy,_ "Craaaa-" Voldemort realized he was speaking out loud. "-dles, I don't how you thought he might be here, when it was simply I, Neville the New Guy, his arch-nemesis!"

"Arch-nemesis?" the girl's brow wrinkled. "Oh, dear. You mean you're evil?"

"Yes! I mean no! I mean-" Voldemort thought about it for a minute. "We are _both_ evil!"

"Oh, don't be silly, Tommy can't be evil. He's got the most wonderful dark eyes…"

"No, I'm telling you, I'm- he's evil! Very, very evil! You can't get much eviler than him!"

"Well, _clearly_ you aren't my Tommy's friend!" the girl huffed. "If you're just going to go spreading lies about him, then I'm leaving!"

"Fine, go! Run away! Just like always! Good wizard God, Myr-" Neville's eyes bulged as Voldemort realized what he almost said. "rrrrrder obviously didn't help you any!"

"Well, I never!" The girl left in disgust.

"_Whew!_" Voldemort popped out of Neville. "_Thank_ you, Neville the New Guy. Man, how did she find me? I mean, I'm dead! It's not like I left any tracks or anything.

Neville pointed at a sign in the window.

"Huh." Voldemort floated through the window to look. "'Tom's Marvelous Macaroni. Riddle Me This- Who Can Do Better'? What? And what's this note? 'Ghosts and Shades Welcome'? What the hey!" Voldemort scratched his head. "I'd wondered why I got a discount on the place."

_-Ha-rryPandRon!Ha-rryPandRon!Ha-rryPandRon!-_

"I've got one! I've got one!" Millie cried out, fighting against her dementor's struggles.

"Great!" Harry exclaimed, "Bring it over here!" He opened up a container that looked suspiciously like-

"Is that a genie's lamp?" Mille asked. She gave her dementor a yank.

"Yup! We figured out how to modify Solomon's Seal so that instead of just trapping evil, it reverses the polarity!" The lamp _dinged_, and a cheerful little white puppy popped out. "See?" It barked. "Aww, what a cute little guy."

Millie noticed some of the other containers. "What's up with the soap detergent?"

"Ah, that one's an experiment. If we're right, putting the seal on that bottle should let us create-" _Ding!_ "Mr. Clean!"

The muscular bald man gave them both a sparkling smile before summoning the house elves to him.

"_It is the God Who Cleans!_" they all cried, falling on their faces.

Mr. Clean smiled before proudly lifting his hands. The elves slowly rose to their feet, taking on brilliant white glow. He pointed down the corridors. The elves, looking on in awe and wonder, nodded firmly, and then streamed down the halls like piranha, their brushes stripping everything down to the marrow.

"Blimey," Ron said, dragging a dementor behind him, "I didn't know we had wood floors!"

"Must find Snape, must find Snape, must find- what the- _who-oa!_" Draco skidded several feet before slipping and crashing into the ground. Something had flashed by and made the floor smooth as silk. And the walls were white!

"Oww… what happened?" Draco groaned.

"Ah, the floors got you, too?" a heavenly voice asked.

"D-Daphne!" Draco stuttered.  
"Hullo, Draco." She sat splayed out on the floor like some sort of goddess. His waking dream reached out and gently rubbed the floor with her hand. "Oak… I'd always wondered."

"I bet Potter had something to do with this!"

"Really? We'll have to go thank him."

"W-what? Why!"

The unearthly angel laughed. "Because, Draco, it probably means all the slime and dank probably got cleaned out of the dungeons, too."

"O-oh."

"Come on," the vision before him said, picking herself up off the floor. She stretched out a hand. "Let's go see what he's up to. I bet it's exciting!"

-_Voldemort'sI-talianRest-au-rant!_-

"I'm telling you, Neville, never date a high school girl. They're crazy." Voldemort took another drink and paused. "Or college girls, they're extra crazy. That's where I picked up Bella." He hummed. "Or teachers. I tried picking up this one chick, Minnie, in the sixties? A real tiger, but _man,_ just as dangerous if you got on her bad side! Though maybe I should have seen that one, cat ladies are never really stable." He took another sip. "Hey, you know, this stuff is pretty good! Who would have thought that ghosts could drink spirits? Any-way, what I'm _saying_ is, stay away from chicks in schools. It never ends well."

Neville made to take the bottle away from him.

"Ay, _ay!_ Get your own!" Voldemort said, slapping at Neville's fingers.

Neville gave him a pointed look. Voldemort stared back blearily.

"Ohhhhhh. You're saying I had enough?"

Neville held out his hand.

"You're saying I had too much." Voldemort sighed. "You're probably right. But man… I got no luck with women, y'know? It's all 'do my homework' and 'hide my dead bodies', and then when you actually want go out and spend some quality evil time with them, it's all 'Tom, I think we need to talk.' And that _never_ works out! We always end up breaking up! The only girl I never broke up with was Myrtle and we… never…" His eyes lit up. "Neville, that's it! We never talked! That's how I get rid of her!" He stood up suddenly, only to fall into the floor.

"I'm all right!" he said, his voice muffled through the pavement. "I just need to… make the world stop swerving or something." Neville stared at the feet sticking out of the floor. "Hey, the basement has a Jacuzzi!"

-_VoldemortDiscoveredtheHotTub !_-

"Hey, Harry!"

"Hey, Daphne!" Harry looked up from his Mrs. Buttermilk bottle. "Hey, is there something different about you? You're almost… gleaming."

Daphne beamed. "Why, thank you, Harry!" Draco glared. "Actually, I think it really is thanks to you- you did something to clean Hogwarts, right?"

"Eh, close enough." Harry shrugged.

"Close enough," Draco mocked to himself in a high-pitch voice. "ADMIT IT, POTTER, IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Harry blinked. "O-kay…"

"Oh, look at all the adorable little animals!" Daphne exclaimed. "Ohhhhh, aren't you the cutest thing!" she said, picking up a snow white bunny rabbit. She looked up at Harry. "Can we keep them?"

Harry shrugged. "Sure. I was just gonna let 'em escape into the wild."

"What? That's barbaric! They need heat and love and care! Don't you, Mr. Snuggiwuggims? Don't you?"

Draco was half paralyzed between disgust and adoration when he spotted Dumbledore. "There he is! Headmaster! Headmaster!" Draco shouted, running after him. "You've got to come over here!"

Mrs. Buttermilk _dinged, _and a swarthy woman swirled out. The elves reappeared around them. "_It is the Goddess of Syrup!_" they all cried, falling on their faces. The woman smiled gently and then gestured toward Hogwarts. "The kitchens, yes!" the elves cried out, and disappeared with the woman. One elf popped back. "These things is filthy with marker all over them! Mr. Clean demands they be washed!" he squeaked, before disappeared with the all the containers.

Harry turned to Ron. "Good thing that was the last dementor, huh?"

Suddenly, Voldemort materialized in the middle of the Hogwarts courtyard. "MYRTLE? WE NEED TO-_GYAAAARGH!_"

"Cool, I think we got an evil ghost!" Lucy shouted. Voldemort let off a burst of power. "Uh-oh, a strong evil ghost! Let him have it, girls!"

"What is the meaning of this?!" Voldemort exclaimed, breaking free. "What are you- _GYAAH-AH!_ That hurt! Stop that!"

"Again!"

"AAUGH!" Voldemort flew off towards Hogsmeade. "Leave me alone!"

"After him, girls!" Libby cried.

The Forrest Venture troop chased after Voldemort, firing blast after blast of pure happy thoughts at him.

"_Curse you, Neville the New Guy! Cuuuurse Yoooouuu!_"

"Quickly, over here!" Draco said, pulling Dumbledore along with him. "Look, see?!"

"You mean the rather eclectic mix of cuddly animals gathered together in the snow?"

"Y-wait, what?" Draco whirled around. "But- but there were muggles here!"

"Muggles?" Dumbledore asked in amusement. "I think not. Muggles cannot see though the enchantments around Hogwarts, and even if they could, the wards would redirect their attention."

"But they were _here_, with the muu-uggleborn Granger!"

Dumbledore sighed. "Mr. Malfoy…"

"They were helping Potter turn dementors into fluffy little animals!"

"I think you had best see Madame Pomfrey again. I believe she has something a bit stronger, this time."

"But- but-"

"Hey, Draco," Daphne said, walking up. She gave him a small kiss. "Thanks for telling me about Potter." She cuddled her little white bunny. "I'd have _never_ found Mr. Snuggiwuggims without you."

"I… er…" The blood shooting into Draco's head didn't seem to be helping him process his thoughts any better _at all_.

"Come along, Mr. Malfoy," Dumbledore said. "Ah, Mr. Longbottom. I was wondering when you would show up. Can you help Mr. Malfoy here?"

Neville glanced between Daphne and Draco. "I'm never standing in another woman's way again, sir."

"Hm, sage advice. Mr. Weasley?"

Ron paused. "Perhaps if he ran?"

_-doobydoobydoobadoobydoobydod oobydoobydoobaA!Gent!Peee-_

"**Good work, Agent P!" **Upton Uncial said, pinning a medal to his collar.** "Without your help and selfless dedication, we'd have never discovered the **_**rat**_** in our organization. The Agency owes you big time!**"

"**Woof!**"

"**Does **_**no one**_** give me any respect?!**"

_-His name is Pa-adfoooot! Padfoot the Pa-art-Doooog!-_

* * *

^^ On a side note, please remember that these boys have all the maturity of "You never tell a girl you like her, it just makes you look like an idiot!"


End file.
